If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The air taste purple.
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