She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
