his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
How external is "for external use only"?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
