I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
