why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
