HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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