if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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