he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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