i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
