careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Bring me that man meat
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