chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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