....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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