It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
