You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official drugs can't kill me
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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