I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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