mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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