just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
