if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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