Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.