foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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