I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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