If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize