The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
