the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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