I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
