I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
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Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
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Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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