4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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