put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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