Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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