Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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