there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
