How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
