you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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