Your dad touched me again.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
