I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
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