I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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