remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
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So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
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Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize