the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
