he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
