be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
