if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
