The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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