This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
