I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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