Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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