When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
