What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm determined to sit on that face.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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