There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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