im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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