i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
