$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
