Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
