I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
