Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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