Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
