I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
