There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
