If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
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If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
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She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize