You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
